I Can’t Really Trust You
If I have learned anything in this past year, it’s that the old saying is true…”Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
I didn’t think I had enemies until there were massive attempts to “put me in my place,” only to have me pushing back with polices and rules which everyone is expected to abide by. So why this attack?
Well, I’ve been told I tend to be intimidating. I don’t know where that comes from… honestly. What I can tell you is that I will research and dig to find the correct answer that consists of several supporting elements. I can also tell you that I will be confident in my answer and if I am wrong, I will admit it, under the condition that you hear me out and you understand where I am coming from to the point where you might agree with me (do you see what I did there?) Ok, yes, sometimes I am wrong, but it is easier for me to admit it if someone uses my same tactics to prove their point and have me agree with their argument.
So where does this lead me?
Well, there was some shady business not too long ago where I was told an associate of mine was attempting to throw me under the bus. I was literally in shock and did not feel the need to confront that person, but rather keep doing what was expected of me. Then I had a conversation where everything was laid out in the open, and all fingers pointed at the accuser. So I confronted them…
I was told I was crazy, that I was putting thoughts/names in my head, and that I should know the character of said accuser and their integrity. This lead me to blurt out, “I don’t trust anyone here.” They seemed hurt and lectured me on their personal integrity, encouraging my “tears of passion,” but further digging themselves into a hole of dishonesty. I even asked if I should call the other person who happened to be in the room when the accusation first happened (I did later… and I was NOT wrong.)
So when things started to fall apart, I watched people begin to change, I watched as they turned to me for answers, and I provided them the most information I could. I knew what was happening, I was prepared for it, and even now, it makes me remember the events that occurred to my family 10 years ago.
There are only so many times I can be disappointed by you before you move to my “I can’t really trust you,” list.
I like to think I give everyone a fair chance, unfortunately, people take advantage of that. If you tell me you are going to come over, I expect to see you. That means when you ditch me, or decide not to communicate with me that you have changed your mind, it stings a little. And the more times you blow me off, the harder it hits, which only begins to push you further outside my circle of trust. There are some people extremely close to me that fall on my “list,” which is sad, but it takes a while to rebuild that kind of trust. I’ve been through a lot in the trust category, and because of those situations, I find it difficult to trust even my family sometimes.
What’s even worse is that I never used to do this, but because of the many times people have done it to me, I’ve started this bad behavior of poor communication. I know how much it bums me out or disappoints me and I don’t want to do that to anyone. So I apologize if I’ve been that kind of b**ch. I don’t want to be.
All I’m saying is that being honest is more than telling the truth. Having integrity means you are willing to communicate with others, do the right thing, even if you don’t want to. But, if you can’t find the time to practice that kind of integrity, then maybe you’re better on the list…
